This blog post is one of the hardest.
This post requires patience, understanding, and open-mindedness.
2016 was the year. I hit rock bottom.
I was reflecting on the year of 2016. I went through so much. I had mental breakdowns frequently on a day to day basis, even at my job at the time. I developed chronic migraines and also went to talk therapy. You may be thinking, doesn’t sound that bad. If only you knew how hard it was to do the simplest of things when you have frequent dizzy spells from your migraines. I would be afraid of fainting or falling being in public; I would stay home most of the time.
While going to see my therapist, she diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. She almost diagnosed me with hypochondriac because I would go to the hospital a lot due to anxiety. Not to mention, I was an overall storm. Dealing with not only health but also mental health was constantly exhausting. During this time I have to thank my best friend and my husband. They both were there for me and were very understanding. The chronic migraines were vicious with so many appointments. There were so many pills, time invested, and money spent.
I was in college for my undergrad at the time, and it did take a toll. My GPA suffered a bit, but I still managed to graduate. The reasoning for talk therapy was because a lot of my past events, feelings, and memories started to haunt me again. Not to mention, I had current problems also. I did talk therapy for a year, and it was the best decision I made for myself.
My issue was I was in my head a lot. I would doubt myself and never think highly of myself. I have always been my own worst enemy. I had to tell myself, “I have to do better.” Talk therapy helped me not to think the worst all the time. My general anxiety helped me become an Introvert. I was always worried that the worst would happen, but as long as I stayed home, nothing would happen. However, I couldn’t live my life in fear forever.
I remember going out to eat, and for some reason, I started to have a panic attack. I was sitting there in our booth. The sound of the restaurant was beginning to give me anxiety, the sound of the airflow coming from the vents, the televisions, and the people talking. There was a point where I tried to cover my ears, and it didn’t help. I told my husband that we had to leave. We never ordered food, just water. Your mind is one of the most powerful organs in your body. We need to learn to take care of it more.
I never knew that my mind could have so much control over my well-being. Trying to trick or persuade your brain into thinking another way is a challenge of its own. However, I am managing. I knew this post would potentially be all over the place. Yet, the point is that I have gone through so much in my life. I did not know where to start and how much to give. As I get older and I am a mother, I try to remind myself that it is okay not to be okay. As long as you know how to get help and make the steps to change, you are in control.
I can ramble on forever with no guidance nor end. Therefore, I am stopping here. I love every one of you. Thank you for just getting to know me with no judgment.
Best Wishes to you all and cheers to another day.
-Tiayra, aka Fucktional Introvert.