Breaking the Cycle

I thought about this for about a week or so. I wanted to share this because it is honestly mind-blowing. When I first heard it from my therapist, “I felt that.” Till the point, I was bawling my eyes out.  

This post isn’t just for parents. This post is for people in general — my whole life, I have done something that has never been a good habit for me. Honestly, I do not see it as a good habit for anyone. 

Since I can remember, I tended to try and find validation of my self-worth in other people. That has to be one of the most heartbreaking habits I have. 

It all started when I was young. I was not getting the same attention as my other siblings, and I always felt like I was the outcast of my family. Therefore, I would do things that were not the best decisions for me at the time to make. While I was young, I did a lot of dumb shit. Somethings I knew better not to do but still did it. The actions I chose were due to seeking attention. I wanted to find someone to love me, accept me, and make me feel valued. Like I was worth something to someone, and yet every time I fell into disappointment and heartbreak. 

At a young age, for children, it is essential to teach them how important they are, show them self worth, self-love in general. Once a child understands or has the idea of rejection, they need to know to love themselves. At a young age, being the middle child, I would always feel like I would have to fight for attention or even the love from my parents. As I got older, I would try and find that attention from people I date and friends. I would always do whatever made other people happy, despite the lack of my happiness or feelings. I would do this in hopes of feeling valued and important to other people. Sometimes it worked, and if it did, it wouldn’t last longs. 

These actions can be anywhere from not saying no to people when they ask me to do something or going above and beyond for people. I am still trying to find that validation of my self-worth. My mind would wonder if the person still likes me or if this person is still friends with me etc. I continuously always wonder and afraid of how other people view me and how they feel about me. For some reason, their opinions matter. This habit is all because I still cannot find the value of my self-worth. 

However, I am learning to do so going forward. It took me 26 years to get to this point. Am I 100% able to not worry about what others feel about me even if I say no? Not at all, but I am working on it. That is all that matters. It can take a lifetime for you to find who you are and learn all about yourself. I shouldn’t spend it by worrying about my value in others but only myself

This post means the most to me, mainly because this is fresh. This habit was an eye-opener for me during my therapy session. It was one that took my breath away. Everyone should feel values within themselves. Know your self-worth and validation before seeking it from someone else. You are what matters the most to yourself. That is not selfish that is loving yourself. I love you all and take great care of YOU.

-Tiayra. aka Fucktional Introvert